


Dear Totally Masculine Journal.

by Fishyz9



Category: Days of Our Lives
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-15
Updated: 2013-06-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 02:44:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/844416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fishyz9/pseuds/Fishyz9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will finds Sonny’s journal which is dated by a few years. What he reads both saddens and terrifies him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Totally Masculine Journal.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DerelictJane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DerelictJane/gifts).



> You MUST read “Dear Stupid Diary” by DerelictJane for this to make any sense. She kindly gave me permission to write a short sequel. Linkage: http://archiveofourown.org/works/835430?view_adult=true

Dear totally masculine journal,

So it’s been a while since I’ve put pen to paper for no other reason than to avoid murdering the people I love. Though you may have noticed, I’m a touch calmer this time. I’m not even remotely angry.

Will and I…we had a conversation.  A while ago we had the _mother_ of all conversations and I’m not sure if I’ll ever fully recover from it, or from the pain and doubt I saw in Will’s eyes, for however brief a time.

I never meant for him to find this stupid diary―excuse me, _journal_. In fact I can count the number of entries I’ve made in this thing over the years on one hand, but for some inexplicable reason I didn’t throw it out. I kept it, and when we decided to move to a bigger place with a backyard for Ari, I didn’t even notice as I packed it with the rest of our belongings.

Well, it turns out Will sure as hell _did_ notice when I left him alone to unpack…

_I’m eager to get home because I know Will hates to unpack things just as much as he hates to pack them in the first place. He’ll put everything in the wrong place; he’s adorably disorganized like that. And okay, maybe I’m a little OCD about everything being exactly where I want it to be, but if that’s the worst of my habits, then I think Will’s getting off lightly._

_So I’ve left work early, and as I pull up to the driveway―I love that we have a driveway now ―I take a second to look at our house. Our first house._

_It’s modest, that’s for sure, but I love it. We have a porch, a lawn with a tree that I’m going to string with lights at Christmas, and a garage that Will wants to fix a basketball hoop above. We even have a mailbox with Horton & Kiriakis on the side. Who knew that such a simple thing could make me feel so warm inside?_

_And you know, it’s strange how the words ‘house payments’ can elicit different responses from different people. Will and I have been together for more than five years, and yet when we mention a joint mortgage to people they look at us like we’re crazy. Now, if we were married or a heterosexual couple―with a child, no less―then people wouldn’t so much as bat an eye, in fact I think it would be expected. I really don’t understand it. Will and I are as settled, as committed as any other couple, but because we’re two men it’s apparently surprising._

_Whatever. My life may not have been what I thought it would be, but I wouldn’t change a thing._

_I make my way inside, preparing myself to move half of whatever Will has unpacked this afternoon and hoping that maybe there’s something cooking in the oven, but what I do find gives me pause. He’s sitting on one of the yet to be unpacked boxes surrounded by mess and with his back to me, he’s reading. That in itself isn’t anything out of the ordinary, but there’s just something about the set of his shoulders, about the way he’s slouched that hits me as being wrong for some reason._

_Something stops me from going over there, and I can’t help but frown as I quietly call his name. “Will?”_

_When he looks over at me, starting slightly, I’m taken aback by his expression. It’s something familiar, but also something that I haven’t seen in a long time: doubt and bewilderment. He stands and turns to face me, and I’m so at a loss at that moment because he seems almost….awkward. He seems awkward around me and that just…_ no _. We’re not like that._

_“You’re home early” he says dully._

_I look at my watch. “No, not really. It’s after six.”_

_He looks past me, and I realize that he’s looking at the clock on the mantelpiece. “Oh, right.”_

_“Will, what’s going on?” I walk over to him because this standing at the other side of the room and talking like robots thing is just weird. I’m truly surprised however when he shies away from me. He edges away ever so slightly when I step forwards. It’s enough to stop me in my tracks. “Whoa,” I say quietly. “What’s going on?”_

_“Nothing, it’s not―”He pauses midsentence and averts his gaze, frowning in that sad kind of way. It’s then that I notice that he’s holding some sort of rolled up notebook in his hands, and he’s twisting it nervously. “Actually…” He looks up at me, and I’m startled by the sheen in his eyes. I begin to feel queasy._

_“I’m a little freaked, Sonny.”_

_“Okay,” I say softly, closing the distance between us some. “I can see that.”_

_“Sonny, I found your diary, or…journal, notebook, whatever it is.”_

_I’m confused at first. I look again at the notebook in his hands, and in an instant I recognize the faded cover and the broken spine. I immediately close my eyes and press my balled up fist to my forehead. “Shit, Will…no.” I get it, and actually, even while I’m anxious to immediately put him at ease (because I remember exactly what I wrote in that thing)I’m more relieved than anything. That journal is nothing. It was just something I used to channel some frustration once upon a time, nothing more._

_“Don’t get mad at me,” he says defensively. “You packed it. You packed it with our books and things and I didn’t know what it was…”_

_“I’m not mad.”_

_“Anymore?”_

_“What? What are you―?”_

_“I said,” he bites out, and I draw back a little at the raw pain in his voice. “_ Anymore _. Because you sure as hell were back then.”_

 _Okay,_ now _I’m alarmed. “Will, it’s just some dumb journal from years ago. It doesn’t mean a thing.”_

_“The hell it doesn’t, Sonny.”_

_“Don’t make a big deal out of this. I didn’t even mean half the things I wrote in that thing―”_

_He lets out a humorless laugh. “Don’t. Don’t do that―”_

_“And even if I_ did _,” I interrupt him. “It has no bearing on who we are now.”_

_He stares at me for a second, looking as if I’ve lost my mind. I can practically see the frustration and anger churning in him before he twists that notebook in his hands, screws his eyes shut and then flings the fucking thing across our box-filled living room._

_I take an involuntary step back. “Jesus, Will. Come on!”_

_“Stop acting like this is nothing!”_

_“Alright, fine!” I fling my hands out either side of me in complete surrender. “What do want me to say? You want me to admit that I wasn’t balled over by my boyfriend having a baby with someone else? You want me to admit to being so self-involved that I couldn’t see past what it is I was losing? Fine! I was a jerk and an idiot and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I felt that way, and I’m especially sorry that I wrote it all fucking down.”_

_I deflate slightly after my brief tirade. We so rarely fight like this that it immediately sucks all the air out of the room when we do._

_He stares at me, looking so alone that it actually goddamn hurts me. “You don’t even get it, do you?”_

_“Get_ what? _What is there to get?”_

 _“This whole time I thought…I thought we were_ good _, Sonny. And now I find out―”_

 _I can’t help it, I role my eyes. I don’t mean to do it, but I get angry at the prospect of Will doubting me, or himself. “You can’t be serious. Will…we just bought a_ house _together, you can’t possibly―”_

_“How do you not understand what it is I’m trying to say?!” He shouts._

_He suddenly closes the space between us, and then as quickly as it came, it’s as if all the fight in him has evaporated. He hands grip the front of my shirt loosely, and I hate how close to tears he is… I hate it and even worse I don’t understand it._

_“This entire time I thought it was just you me against everyone else, you know? You’re…you’re just the most incredible man, and now, after all this time, it finally clicks. I finally understand what they were all saying…you_ settled _, Sonny. You settled for less.”_

 _“What?” I whisper. I can feel that I’m on the verge of rage, because who exactly is_ everyone _?_

_His hands go limp, slide down my chest, and he steps away. I’m too stunned to go after him._

_“I made your life small.” He says gravely. “I made it tame.”_

_“Shut up!” I cry out, the sound of my voice, brittle and afraid, surprising me._

_“But I did, didn’t I?” He closes his eyes, rubs his eyes and then runs his hands through his hair. “You could have done anything, you could have fell in love with anyone, if I’d just let you …”_

_“It’s just a stupid journal” I say, terrified that everything I love is about to slip away from me because of something stupid I wrote years ago._

_“You didn’t even want this life, but you offered to be a part of it―to help me, and not even knowing where you’d fit in…oh god, how could I have ever let you―”_

_“_ Let _me? What…I don’t have my own mind? You think our life is so shit now that―”_

 _“I think that you settled for a life you didn’t want. You settled for_ second _, Sonny.”_

_I close my eyes, feeling heat rise in my cheeks, because I know what he’s referring to. I know he’s referring to my then premature―and not completely unjustified―fears when Arianna had just been born, but it’s completely unfair of him to throw that in my face now. “I didn’t know, Will…”And that’s as much as I can say at that moment._

_He sits down on one of the boxes, his shoulders hunched and set, his head hanging low, and any residue anger I felt bleeds away at the sight of him. All that he’s grown? It’s gone. It’s like I’m talking to a nineteen year old Will all over again, lost and insecure, unsure if he’s good enough, and it kills me._

_“Are you still angry? Do you still feel like you come second?” He asks quietly._

_“Oh come on, Will. That’s not fair.”_

_He looks up at me. “Why isn’t it?”_

_I run a hand through my hair, and I suddenly realize that my hands are trembling. “Because your daughter_ should _come first. It’s not something I understood back then because…well, how could I? I was in love and I wanted us to just be together―to do everything together…”_

_He shakes his head sadly. “I wish I’d told you back then, and every day since all that you are to me.” He bites his lip, hard. “You’re everything.”_

_I soften, and I move to kneel in front of him but he shakes his head no._

_“There are different kinds of love, Sonny. Take the way I love Gabi? She’s my best friend and the mother of my child, she’s family. And then there’s the way I love my daughter…just something completely unique and uncontrollable…all of it is unconditional and just goes on forever, but…” He looks up at me again. “Then there’s you.”_

_He looks at me, blue eyes glistening. “You’re mine, Sonny. You‘re the one person I can let take care of_ me. _You’re the one person I can breakdown in front of – be_ weak _in front of, because you make me strong again.”_

_I whisper his name, and he just shakes his head._

_“Only you, no one else can give me that because there’s no one else I’ll ever love as much as I love you, understand?” He presses his hand to his chest, over his heart, like he’s in pain. “You’re the one thing I get all to myself, my one comfort that makes me feel safe, and brave, and like I’m home. And just the thought of losing that…” He closes his eyes for a second, and I see his throat work as he swallows. “Sonny, it makes me want to fucking die. That’s how it’s been from day one. That’s the way it will always be. And now…and now I realize that all this time…all this time I thought I was enough. That just me, exactly as I am was enough for you to be happy, enough for you to be satisfied with what you got out of this―”_

_“Shut up.” I choke out, and shake my head. “Don’t say that shit, we have an amazing life.”_

_His head drops again, but not before I see the damp streak against his cheek._

_“So many people tried to tell me how selfish I was being― how much better you could do than me. And I ignored them all, Sonny. So-called friends, your family, men who wanted you, so_ many _would whisper in my ear that I was dragging you down. That if I really loved you, then I’d keep you away from the shit-storm that is my life, but I wouldn’t listen. I just covered my ears and told myself that I was enough, that you were happy. That as long as you were happy, that was all that mattered and I didn’t have to listen to those people.”_

 _He shakes his head, his face crumbling slightly as he rests his head in his hands. “Years later and it finally dawns on me that you weren’t happy. You were angry as hell. You settled. You fucking_ settled _.”_

_I kneel down in front of him, resting my hands on his knees. I duck my head to catch his gaze. “Look at me.”_

_He shakes his head, unwilling to look at me. “I’m so stupid” he whispers._

_I rest my hand under his chin and lift it slightly, forcing him to look at me. I’ve genuinely never seen him this distraught before, and that’s saying a lot. “I really need you to listen, and I need you to understand what I’m about to say…”_

_Something inside of me splinters when he quickly wipes away the dampness from the corner of his eye._

_“I didn’t understand back then what I know now, Will. I didn’t know how extraordinary our life would be…”_

_“Don’t just say stuff like that.”_

_“I’m not. Look…back then? Arianna wasn’t mine yet. I didn’t know her; I didn’t have that sense of ownership that was instant for you. All that I...” I pause, swallow hard, afraid of saying the wrong thing. “All I knew was that our lives had changed, that I needed to stand by you, and that I had to be okay with growing up very quickly.”_

_He presses his lips together tightly, and I can see how angry he is. “I only ever wanted to make you happy. I wanted you to have everything you ever wanted and instead―”_

_“And that’s exactly what I_ got _.”_

_“No,” he shakes his head. “No it’s not.” He looks down at himself, helpless. “This is literally all I am. This is all I’m ever going to be, Sonny.”_

_“Right. And that’s everything I’m ever going to_ want _, Will.” I grip his hand, squeeze it. “I just didn’t know at the time that I could_ be _this happy. And it’s all because of you, you and our daughter.”_

_I see the glimmer of hope in his eyes, but I know that he’s both desperate and afraid to believe me. “Have I loved you enough?” He whispers, and a little piece of my heart breaks._

_“Yes. I’m happy, Will. I am_ happy _.”_

_He takes a shuddering breath, reaches for the front of my shirt and gently tugs me close until he’s resting his brow against mine. “If there’s ever anything missing…anything you want from me, you tell me, understand?”_

_I swallow hard and nod my head._

_“You tell me and I’ll move the fucking earth to give it to you.”_

_I struggle to say anything, so I pull him into a rough kiss instead. He’s soft and breathless beneath my hands, still too wounded, too fragile to play the aggressor. But that’s alright, because I’m more than a little pent up and desperate for him._

_I just about register his surprise, his quick intake of breath when I push him onto his back and begin to tear at his clothes. In fact I’m so desperate for him that I’m a little afraid of myself right now._

_This was the last thing I expected to come home to this evening, and just seeing the man I love brought so low by the words I wrote years ago…If I don’t feel his body against mine, if I’m not inside of him soon,  I’ll lose my mind. I have to make him_ feel _this. I have to be as close as humanly possible._

_As close as humanly possible…_

_That thought stays with me when I undress him, while I make love to him, and when I hold him afterwards._

…In fact that thought wouldn’t leave me alone. It morphed from something needed in the heat of the moment, to something that would not be ignored. It didn’t take me long to figure out what to do about it, and when I did? I made sure that our friends, our family, that _all_ were present when I dropped to one knee and asked the love of my life to marry me.

And his answer?

I hear the door to the rectory creak open. “Sonny?”

I look over my shoulder and it’s Gabi, looking beautiful with flowers in her hair and Arianna on her hip. She beams at me.

“I think we’re just about ready.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“Sonny, look at my dress!” Ari chirps excitedly, and I can’t help but grin at her.

“You look beautiful, sweetheart.”

“We’ll wait outside.” Gabi says, winking at me.

His answer?

I think you know.


End file.
